In life, we learn that life’s obstacles can sometimes take control over our emotions. They have the ability to make us feel lost in another moment; a moment other than the one that we are currently living in. Sometimes we have days where we wish we could go back to the past, or back to the good old days. While at other times we want to jump forward a couple of weeks to go on that family vacation that’s coming up, or for summer vacation to arrive so that we no longer have to stress about school assignments. Unfortunately, there are even moments in life that we wish to fast forward over. And those aren’t necessarily just the moments that we would rather forget about. It’s the moments that you mentally and physically feel like you cannot go through alone. Recently, I have experienced several moments that I hoped to just fast forward over, and my journey was far from easy.
**Before reading: I am writing from my own personal experiences, this post is not meant to harm or offend anyone in any way. I promise, that is not my intentions**
I was out with a couple of friends just trying to enjoy my night and to have some fun in the beginning of the semester before school took over my life again. I met someone new that night and I didn’t think much of it because lets be honest, we were just out at a bar having fun. But little did I know how important that night would be for me. After that night, he got my phone number and we texted every now and then. A few weeks later, we ran into each other again. Ever since that night, we became inseparable. The guy that I met wasn’t like anyone that I have met before. He was easy to talk to and he was interested in learning about me, about who I was as a person. He listened to my thoughts and ideas even when they didn’t make much sense. Not only did he listen to them, but he understood them as well. It didn’t take long for me to realize that he was quickly becoming my best friend. It scared me a little, well, actually a lot. Maybe it was because I wasn’t used to feeling this comfortable and natural around someone, or maybe it was because of the short amount of time that it took for us to feel this way.
About three weeks later, we started dating. I would normally feel a little uneasy about dating someone after only knowing them for a couple of weeks, but for some reason I felt really confident with our decision. For months, our feelings began to grow and our relationship grew stronger. From the beginning, our relationship felt natural. I honestly could not have asked for more, everything was falling into place so perfectly. Or at least I thought it was.
One night, he told me over a text message that we needed to take a break. Little to no explanation was given, and I honestly just felt confused and wanted some answers. We were in a relationship for about nine months at this point, so of course I was invested. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I felt that I deserved some sort of reasoning. Needless to say that this was a night that I wish I could have just pressed fast forward. I did not want to go through the pain of seeing him with someone other than myself. The next day, I still was not given an explanation. I was upset and just wanted to be alone, but my best friend at the time encouraged me to get out of the house. We decided to go out for just an hour or so to take my mind off of the situation, but little did I know that he would be there with someone else. Someone he had met a few days before. I was so upset and just wanted to go home. I went to bed and tried not to think about it, but of course it was the only thing on my mind.
The following day, I received an apology. We tried to work things out for a while and during this time, it felt pretty normal. But it was different this time. Although I forgave him, I couldn’t help but to have the thought in my mind that this could happen again so unexpectedly like it did the last time. But I’m a big believer in second chances. Throughout life I have learned that people make mistakes and that people change, so I was willing to give him another chance. A chance to prove himself and to really commit to me. For a while, I got nothing short of what I asked for. Things were going pretty smoothly. Until a few months later when, yet again, we found ourselves running into a bump in the road. This time, there was a different reasoning behind the breakup but it still hurt me just the same. Once again, this time around was different. This time, we both cried, we both were hurting, and we both knew that it just wasn’t going to work out. This was by far the most upset and the most heartbroken that I have ever felt.
We went through this cycle of dating, breaking up, and trying to work things out for about 3 years. Our friends started to disapprove of us dating, which really put a dent in our relationship. It was hard to have a relationship with someone when everyone was against it. As the years went by, our relationship has slowly gotten worse as much as I hate to admit it. We don’t treat each other the way that we did when we first started dating. We used to have so much respect for one another, but lately that hasn’t been the case. It’s been hard for me to watch our relationship fail, because I know that what we had was something special, and that it had so much potential.
Moving on from this experience hasn’t been easy, either. For the first month or so after leaving this emotional relationship, it was hard to go through life without him. He’s smart, ambitious, and he knows how to make me laugh even on my toughest days. He’s going to accomplish so many goals in life, and at first all I could think about was how I wasn’t going to be the person that he would celebrate or talk about them with. It was hard to let go of someone that I felt so comfortable with, someone that literally knows me better than I know myself. Someone who was honest with me and told me like it is. But as time went by, it became easier to move on.
In life, there’s not a right or wrong way to go about moving on. I slowly began to realize that this is my life, and I am the only one that can choose how to react to this situation. I can choose to dwell on the past,to cause a scene about the relationship, and to feel depressed most of the time. OR I can choose to smile when a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him, to laugh when someone says something that he used to tell me, and to be civil with him when we are in public places. I can choose to genuinely feel happiness for him when I hear that he’s doing well, to laugh when his friends talk to me about old times, and to wish nothing but the best for him, regardless of the way that our relationship may have ended. I can choose to learn and grow from my mistakes, and to put our differences behind me. I have the power to choose how I want to feel about our relationship. I have the power to determine whether this break up will affect my life in a positive or negative way. I have learned a couple of things (the hard way) that help me to keep going when it comes to moving on.
-Do it, and do it for yourself. I never thought the day would come that I would feel like my life is mine again. I am so focused on school and being the best student that I can. I have become so motivated to be successful (and yes, I have to thank him for that because if it wasn’t for him being so motivated about his future career, I don’t think I would have ever learned how to be so motivated and interested in mine.) I have time to be alone, and lots of time to hangout with friends. Every weekend I hang out with my family, and let’s be honest that’s just about the only thing that keeps me sane and gets me through the school week! Being surrounded by such loving and supporting people makes it easy to forget about life’s struggles and to focus solely on the moments that we get to share together. Put the phone down. Learn to be wholehearted and present with family members, and to really cherish the time that you get to spend together. Learn to live for yourself, and challenge yourself to always be the best version of you.
To end this lengthy blog post, I decided to share something that I often think about and ask myself:
“Are you the person that the person you’re looking for, is looking for?”
Thank you so much for reading and for allowing me to express a very emotional and raw life experience. Feel free to leave a comment or to message me with any feedback or your own personal experiences! I’d love to hear them 🙂